The major conflict here is that obviously someone, or more than one, or some situation, caused my trauma, and they probably don’t want to be in a blog. By writing these stories, I’m not talking about just myself- to be authentic, many family members and friends will connect the dots back to people that they may or may not know. No names will come out of this in any negative way- anonymity is very important to me.
Here is what I’ve been diagnosed with so far, in this order:
C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)
I didn’t know I was having severe panic and anxiety attacks, or that my nightmares were a result of C-PTSD. I was under the impression that whatever I was going through, wasn’t that bad. (As far as the ADHD, that’s in a separate post.) When this happens, you don’t deal with the problems, because you didn’t even know you had them; so you just feel shame. Despite how hard I work against it, I’m a person who is filled with shame and guilt, worthlessness, and a lack of a sense of self- and worst of all, undeserving of unconditional love. I didn’t realize this for the longest time. This is what trauma can do if it’s not dealt with, and I don’t want you to be that person.
To be honest I feel myself writing this and disassociating. When it happens, it’s hard to realize that it’s happening. I really don’t feel much right now. I feel empty. Like I’ve hit a wall. Writing about trauma will not be easy. I just want everyone to know, though, I am physically okay. Mentally, I really am happy. I’m just learning to be real with everything else, too.
I’m sorry for worrying my extended family. So many of you have reached out to me, and I appreciate all of your concern and love. I am doing okay, but I’d like to keep details private. I have a therapist who I open up to, and am aware enough to be safe and deal with my problems as they come in a healthy way. Getting to this point is such a relief, which is why sharing my journey seems to be something I’ve been gravitating towards lately.
And I believe that you can get through everything that trauma has done to you.
The point of me speaking about my own trauma is to help you with yours, because I know how much further along this journey I’d be if I had people walking with me. I’m no expert in mental health, I can only share my own experiences at face value, what I did to cope, and how I feel now.
The people who hurt me were also hurt, even more I’m sure. I am still rooting for them, and my stories will stay anonymous. I’m not here to blame anyone.
I’ll love you, and I’ll keep wishing the best for you- but I’m also learning to follow my feelings and trust them, when I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I need to end it. This line that we walk will forever be a difficult one, but this is how we break the cycle.