How I’m Going to Talk About Trauma

The major conflict here is that obviously someone, or more than one, or some situation, caused my trauma, and they probably don’t want to be in a blog. By writing these stories, I’m not talking about just myself- to be authentic, many family members and friends will connect the dots back to people that they may or may not know. No names will come out of this in any negative way- anonymity is very important to me.

Here is what I’ve been diagnosed with so far, in this order:

C-PTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)
Generalized Anxiety
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder)

I didn’t know I was having severe panic and anxiety attacks, or that my nightmares were a result of C-PTSD. I was under the impression that whatever I was going through, wasn’t that bad. (As far as the ADHD, that’s in a separate post.) When this happens, you don’t deal with the problems, because you didn’t even know you had them; so you just feel shame. Despite how hard I work against it, I’m a person who is filled with shame and guilt, worthlessness, and a lack of a sense of self- and worst of all, undeserving of unconditional love. I didn’t realize this for the longest time. This is what trauma can do if it’s not dealt with, and I don’t want you to be that person.

To be honest I feel myself writing this and disassociating. When it happens, it’s hard to realize that it’s happening. I really don’t feel much right now. I feel empty. Like I’ve hit a wall. Writing about trauma will not be easy. I just want everyone to know, though, I am physically okay. Mentally, I really am happy. I’m just learning to be real with everything else, too.

I’m sorry for worrying my extended family. So many of you have reached out to me, and I appreciate all of your concern and love. I am doing okay, but I’d like to keep details private. I have a therapist who I open up to, and am aware enough to be safe and deal with my problems as they come in a healthy way. Getting to this point is such a relief, which is why sharing my journey seems to be something I’ve been gravitating towards lately.

And I believe that you can get through everything that trauma has done to you.

The point of me speaking about my own trauma is to help you with yours, because I know how much further along this journey I’d be if I had people walking with me. I’m no expert in mental health, I can only share my own experiences at face value, what I did to cope, and how I feel now.

The people who hurt me were also hurt, even more I’m sure. I am still rooting for them, and my stories will stay anonymous. I’m not here to blame anyone.
I’ll love you, and I’ll keep wishing the best for you- but I’m also learning to follow my feelings and trust them, when I’m angry, when I’m sad, when I need to end it. This line that we walk will forever be a difficult one, but this is how we break the cycle.

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