I totally mean this in a lot of ways, I guess when I think about it, but let me hone in. We’ve all faked something, shut up if you say you haven’t.
I faked this idea that I’m resilient and can handle anything. I don’t believe anyone really can in the context it’s originally presented. I fake my confidence all the time, and how I feel about myself.
For anyone else faking stuff right now- it’s okay. It’s really okay.
There is a lot of shame towards “faking it,” and trying to get by, and feeling bad when we can’t seem to shake the anxiety, and we can’t “genuinely make the jump and the moves we need to make, but we ALL fake it. Even the really annoying people judging you for doing so.
Feeling 100% confident, and tough, and independent is just not realistic. It’s an absolute ruse for an over-achieving, fake life, o people who just, overcame the obstacles and are now in a great mental space, or have the great job, or the perfect child or whatever else. We present that way but inside it’s usually something totally different that we’re fighting against.
There are times I present that way, and people will comment and say, “You’re so energetic, you’e so happy! You’re so confident! I don’t have that.” That breaks my heart a little.
I don’t want anyone looking at me as this person who “figured it out” by any stretch. I’m not the person who sleeps well or can get along with anyone, or who can do anything.
Lemme tell you, you beautiful beautiful bitch: I certainly don’t have confidence, I certainly don’t like how I look. I don’t necessarily like performing and if I tell you this while you’re also dialing back to my many karaoke nights you’ve seen me wail my arms at, you’d simply think I’m lying. I’m not.
I’ve gone into many bad mental moments because of my lack of security in myself- but I refuse to blame myself for that. You shouldn’t be had on yourself either.
You absolutely don’t have to perform, you don’t have to be in love with yourself constantly. But don’t be hard on yourself for these feelings. None of those feelings are your fault, or hold any merit whatsoever. And it takes WORK to get through them.
What I mean by that is even if your brain is telling you your smile sucks, or you’re too awkward, it’s just NOT true. Those things don’t matter. They just, don’t. I don’t care what anyone else says.
These outward things and stupid things do NOT measure your value as a person who deserves love. Right or right?
So why be critical about yourself when you deserve love, and to be your authentic self, no matter what? Even when your thoughts are intruded or when we have bad days or moments?
If you believe someone else deserves love, with their crooked smile, their bombarding personality, or whatever else your intrusive thoughts tell you, why wouldn’t you believe the same for you?
So when you see me “confident,” and “having a great life,” just know it’s because I’m fighting a hard fight, and I know I deserve to feel confident and great the way everyone does. But it’s certainly layered.
When you see me overly excited, it’s not because I feel grandiose about myself. But I take that lead so that others can maybe learn to feel that way, too. I was the kid who never talked, I was the child and teenager and adult who felt like I had something stuck in my throat whenever I went to speak. I was confused about who I was and if I wasn’t confused, I hated myself. But I know I don’t deserve to feel that way, and you don’t, either. I’m just making up for lost time.
What I refuse to fake
I refuse to fake my gut feelings, which is a hard thing to differentiate from intrusive thoughts.
When I get self-conscious about the way I look, I recognize it. And then I dig.
Who is telling me I don’t look good? Me or someone who made me feel less-than because of those things?
And I realize decently quickly, that the negative thoughts about me were never FROM me, they were from so many other factors in my life.
I can’t fix that overnight. But I WILL fake it til I make it. And I’ll accept that, and you should accept that, life has been hard for all of us. Don’t shame yourself for these feelings because it’s simply not your fault.
You deserve to accept yourself- your true self- for everything that it is
Your TRUE self is not your intrusive thoughts.
Your true self is the person who’s been doing their best with what they were given. And that person is a wonderful soul who deserves all the love and happiness and acceptance the world has to offer.
The person you are loves and accepts people in every form and in every walk of life- show that to yourself, too. Even your sad outbursts, and confusion, and all the mixed up ways we deal with our day to day by simply faking it. You’re doing your best and I’m really proud of you for that.
Big hugs and big love.